Prior to heading off to Ft Lauderdale, I zipped down to San Diego to see Dividing the Estate at the Old Globe Theatre, starring Elizabeth Ashley and Penny Fuller.  I’ve only seen Penny in a few things but am always struck by how authentic she is.  As to La Ashley, I have traveled far and wide to see her tackle many roles and, as far as I’m concerned, there are few who can hold a candle to her incandescent talent.  Playwright David Dillon will roll his eyes when I say that one of my favorite stories to tell at parties is about being backstage with Liz after a performance of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.  So the next time you see me at a party, feel free to ask.

I first met Thomas Jane when he was appearing in The Glass Menagerie at the Laguna Playhouse.  Now, a dozen years later, the 42-year-old actor says he’s sick and tired of having to dress younger to feel relevant.  “I’m as sharp as I’ve ever been, I’m wiser than I’ve ever been, I’m physically in great health – but now I’m being passed over because I’m in my f**king 40s, by society as a whole.”  That’s a lot of complaining by someone who’s hung.

But it does lead to a fascinating question – what would you give up to have the perfect body?  In a recent UK study, half of the gay men polled revealed that they would be willing to give up a year or more of their lives in exchange for the perfect body.  And 10 percent of those guys would be willing to die 11 years earlier if they could have the perfect body immediately, because we gays are an impatient people.  Most of the guys surveyed admit that they compare themselves to better-looking men, which makes sense to me.  Who compares themselves to the one-legged old man with an eye patch and a hump?  Well, the study says one third of the gay men compare themselves to men they find less attractive.  I wanna know who these people are…because I might wanna date them!

Being a bit older ain’t stopping Alec Baldwin from getting back into shape.  Have you noticed how good he’s looking since he was thrown off that plane?  And there’s a reason for that.  He’s lost 30 pounds!  How’d he do it?  Simple – he cut sugar from his diet.  Sigh…it’s always the same – eat less, move more.  Of course, Alec had another motivating factor.  He’s dating a 27-year-old yoga instructor.  Yet another reason to start yoga.

Speaking of Alec Baldwin, he’s joined the cast of the film version of The Normal Heart.  The long-proposed big screen adaptation of Larry Kramer’s hit play is being shot this summer by Glee creator Ryan Murphy, and has quite a few familiar names attached.  Mark Ruffalo will play Ned Weeks, Matt Bomer will play Ned’s lover Felix, and Jim Parsons will reprise the role of Tommy Boatwright that he played with aplomb in the Broadway revival last year.  What about the plum role of Dr. Emma Brookner?  That has been assigned to Julia Roberts.  Which means poor Ellen Barkin has been screwed over once again.

As to gay theatre, Dustin Lance Black’s dramatization of the Proposition 8 trials will get a one-night-only reading on March 3^rd at the Wilshire Ebell Theatre in Los Angeles.  8 will be directed by Rob Reiner (who will also appear in the play) and feature the lovely Matt Bomer alongside the equally delightful Matthew Morrison playing his partner.  Their attorney will be portrayed by someone you may have heard of…George Clooney!  Others in the all-star cast include Jamie Lee Curtis, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Cleve Jones, Christine Lahti, Jane Lynch, Rory O’Malley, Martin Sheen, and George Takei.  All proceeds from the event will benefit the American Foundation for Equal Rights.  You can get more info at AFER.org and we’ll run a clip from the NYC benefit on BillyMasters.com.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to Dustin Lance Black, whose brother lost his battle with cancer last week.

More and more celebs are joining the fight to legalize gay marriage.  Last week, Olivia Newton-John and Hugh Jackman joined the Australian Marriage Equality campaign.  Livvy said, “I believe that no-one has the right to judge and deny couples who love each other the ability to make a marriage commitment.”

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie famously stated that they wouldn’t get married until gay marriage was legalized.  However, they may have to break that promise.  “I don’t think we’ll be able to hold out.  It means so much to my kids, and they ask a lot.  And it means something to me, too, to make that kind of commitment.”  I certainly don’t speak for all of us, but I don’t think we’d hold it against you, Brad.  Well, unless you asked nicely.

I find it almost impossible to focus on this gay marriage stuff when we’re witnessing the tragic separation of a straight couple.  Of course, I’m talking about Heidi Klum and Seal.  I, for one, was SHOCKED at their split.  Not only do we always hear about how in love and how devoted they are to each other, but I’ve actually seen it first-hand.  Every time Seal and Heidi were out, they were inseparable – and usually had a coterie of goons in tow.  Now that I think about it, this might not be such a bad thing.  Maybe I’ll finally be able to get a photo with Klum!

Then there’s the break-up of Aretha Franklin and her fiancé, Willie Wilkerson.  When those crazy kids announced their engagement, I know what you were all thinking – she’s pregnant.  Oh, she could give the Octomom a run for her money.  But, alas, no more kids and no more nuptials.  “There will be no wedding at this time,” says the Queen of Soul.

We all know that the dashing Tim Gunn doesn’t date.  He’s been pretty open about that.  But did you know he hasn’t had sex in the last 29 years?  Well, I haven’t had sex in the last 29 hours, and I think that’s a personal best!  Back to Tim – he says that his ex “was impatient with my sexual performance”…which sounds quite intriguing to moi.  He claims the lack of a sex life doesn’t bother him.  “Do I feel like less of a person because of it?  No.  I’m a perfectly fulfilled person.”  I dunno about him, but I suddenly feel the urge to go out and get me some.

If Tim wants to keep his virginity intact, he’d better stay away from any shows featuring Andy Dick.  Sigh…Andy, Andy, Andy.  Every time we think you’ve cleaned your act up, you let us down.  Yes, he’s being sued for sexual abuse and battery by some couple in Kentucky.  But that incident was over a year ago, and he swore he learned his lesson.  And then, he was doing stand-up at a club in Los Angeles last week and he dropped his pants to show that he had tucked his penis!  Now, I know how hard it is to get a laugh in an LA club, but this is too much.  Or in Andy’s case, too little!  He also allegedly humped an audience member’s face, but that might have been his encore.  You can go to BillyMasters.com and check out the photos…or, as I’m sure they’ll soon be referred to, Exhibit A.

I’m not sure what to make of Demi Moore.  First we hear she’s addicted to Red Bull.  Then Adderall was tossed in – just to take the edge off.  But after reportedly smoking something “similar to incense”, she had to be rushed to the hospital when she began having seizures from allegedly doing dangerous amounts of “whip-its”.  What are “whip-its”?  Those are cans of Reddi Whip whipped cream!  They’re packed with nitrous oxide, which Demi was allegedly enjoying (she obviously skipped the whipped cream, given her gaunt appearance).  Then some outlets reported that she was a cutter.  But, as it turned out, the press simply had the wrong Demi!

Our Ask Billy question comes from Jackson in Reno: “Did you see this week’s Are You There, Chelsea?  Who was the hot guy who played the Christian rocker?  He was gorgeous!”

If there’s one thing I can count on, it’s my readers noticing a hot blond who’s not necessarily of age.  My God, Thomas Jane was right!  Of course, that didn’t stop me from finding out who he was.  His name is Austin Butler and he’s 20…so he’s kinda legal.  He’s appeared in a bunch of those shows on Nickelodeon and other things my teenage nieces watch.  My favorite part of his bio was how he was discovered.  When he was 13, a guy who books people to be extras in movies approached Butler at a county fair and said he had a great “look”.  If that ain’t a pick-up line, I dunno what is!  That said, it’s undeniable that Austin is hot and has an incredible body – certainly more developed than most kids his age.  And he’s dating that triple threat, Vanessa Hudgens.  If nothing else, you can start fantasizing about him and Zac hooking up while you ogle his hot photos on BillyMasters.com.

When I’m having fun with Dick and Jane, it’s definitely time for me to end yet another column.  We’re running so long this week, I barely have time to tell you to check out www.BillyMasters.com, the site that can be addictive.  If you’ve got a question only I can answer, send an e-mail to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Demi discovers what other dessert toppings could be used as a stimulant!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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Copyright © 2012
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Revised: January 30, 2012.